Cries of a Curious Follower

Lord,

Why do I always seem to come back to this place of uncertainty?  Not of You.  But of me.  Maybe I don’t like myself as much as I think I do.  It’s true, I say that I am not impressed with myself at all.  That’s primarily because I KNOW that any “accomplishment” in my life I cannot really take credit for. 

You are the sole reason I’ve ever succeeded at anything.  I’m quite fine with that.  You’ve really blessed me, Lord.  So, why can’t I simply stay singularly motivated?  Why do I struggle so much with my “accusers?”  Is it because I believe them?  Is it because I think they may be right?  That I’m somehow a fraud?  Or less than?  Or simply wrong?

Therein lies the paradox of sorts: I don’t doubt You or Your Word.  I don’t doubt what You’ve gone out of Your way to teach me.  But I do doubt myself.  Why do I take it so personally when they attack truth?  I know I do not have to defend You.  I know it is not my job to administer justice; and yet, I am so disgusted by injustice.  I expect that from the world, but am disgusted it at it in the “Church.”

Is that just being judgmental?  I don’t necessarily look at the people, but I definitely do the “truths” they seem to believe in.  It seems the “Church” I see all around me is so shallow.  Am I wrong?  Is it even my place to be looking?  Isn’t that comparing?  Am I simply justifying my own judgmental attitude by saying its about what could or should be?  I truly want more life for them, but maybe I’m just too close to it.

I’m not God.  I’m scarcely even a decent soldier of His.  I stay the course and through the Lord’s grace I have grown past patterned sin in my life—at least the kinds I used to struggle with.  This, though—-this frustration I feel—how do I get over it?  How do I stay in my own lane?  What is my role in this area, Lord?  Apostle!  Am I even a good disciple?  In business, I struggled with being entrepreneurial.  But I loved to install change that was for the better.  To help people see the bigger picture.  That is how You made me.  Construct the framework and fill in the details in an organized manner.  You’ve not only made me this way, but You’ve given me this ability with Your Word. 

I guess I’m just hoping that You’re pleased with me.   I want to be a pleasure to You!  I want to be successful for You.  Am I?  Am I doing it right?  Is this what You desire?  Please help me to know Your specific will.  I only want to help Your Kingdom be realized.  To see people set free.  I don’t know how to measure that and lately it feels like I’m striking out.  Rick.  Brian.  Jim.  So much controversy.  I don’t know how You did it Jesus.  You were so masterful.  If I could only be half as good at this life as You.  A smidgeon even. 

Spirit of God: Please help me stay focused.  Help me press on.  And please open the treasuries of heaven to pour out a blessing to assist us with these school loans and house payment, etc.  We don’t want to be a burden.  If it pleases You, please pay all of that off for us.  Thank you.

Now I turn to writing the Sermon for tomorrow.  Please let it be Your message.  Not mine.  Help me see clearly what You have to say.

Thank you Father.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you Spirit.

Amen.