Cries of a Curious Follower

Lately I’ve been mourning all of the losses that have seemed to accumulate around me over the last 5 years or so.  I didn’t make time to do this along the way because there was “too much to do.”

In my ignoring of myself and my intense focus on others, I did not see I was neglecting my own mental, emotional, and physical health.  That, of course, has repercussions spiritually, even though I’m constantly digesting His Word and praising His Name.

Temple upkeep is critical, lest it fall to ruins.  Deferred maintenance increases cost in the long run.  I know these things in the physical world—they were ingrained into me in my various careers in corporate America and the non-profit sector.  So, how then did I miss it in ministry?

What I like about myself is that I believe I’m real.  I don’t knowingly do fake.  Integrity is important to me and I do not believe in “fake it til you make it.”  This has both earned me the respect of a few and the disdain of many.  But I don’t know how to be any other way.  I am not afraid to ask big, to be curious, or to hope and expect.

Or at least, I wasn’t.

But lately, I’ve just been tired.  And now I feel like it’s a chore to wake up and exist at all—I’m fighting to keep a soft heart and not become cynical. When I’m not actively involved in that fight, numbness is the result. 

Yet, I don’t feel You’re far away.  I know you’re not.  You’re right here.  I feel Your silence all around me.  It assures me of a Hope after this life, but to be honest I feel no such encouragement in this one.  I know You are FOR me and not AGAINST me.  There is no doubt in my mind or heart about that.  What that means, however, is not my portion to know.

The list of things I’m mourning is ever-growing.  The list of losses just seem to pile up. I felt them as they happened.  I processed them mentally and made the decision in faith to march on.  I did not mourn them.  I know now how wrong this was.  My current state testifies against me about this poor strategy taught to me through a unique mix of career lessons and evangelical perspectives.

I’m not devastated.  I’m not without hope.  But I cannot feel either of those truths.  I’m numb, and at times succumb to intense waves of depression. 

Here is what I believe though, even in this strange fog: I did what God called me to do here.  I was obedient to the best of my ability.  I nearly failed a time or two, but I gave myself over to full obedience in everything I heard from You.  I sought You, and You led me.

I lived my life as if there was no tomorrow because You tell me I’m not promised one.  I at 100% at your mercy.  Always have been, really, but I’ve abandoned all my safety nets in following You.  Even now, I surrender. 

That being said, I’m tired of being slandered.  I’m tired of being judged.  I’m tired of being gossiped about.  I’m tired of investing into people who turn around and cut, accuse, and condemn me.  Or in some cases just disappear altogether.  Sometimes that hurts the worst. And all that is just from the Christians around me. 

How did You deal with this Jesus?  You did this—You bore my shame!  I’m not nearly as strong as You.  You knew the people around You didn’t get it, and You loved them anyway.  You dealt with constant attacks and stupid theological judgement.  You faced betrayal and loss.  You lived in reckless abandon because you had a clear mission and were about it.

You made me similar.  I am purpose-driven at my core, but lack entrepreneurial traits.  I never sought to be at the top of anything.  And today, my heart wonders if it was even worth it.  For that answer I have to look to You.  Are You pleased with this sacrifice?  Search my heart.  You know that all I long for is to be in Your will.  I don’t want glory.  I don’t want my own kingdom.  I just want You to be pleased with me. 

My body, mind, and emotions are done.  They feel like they have given up.  So I simply surrender.  I stay in each moment and experience it for what it is.  There is an element of joy in those small truths!

I’m thankful that suicidal thoughts are not present, but I can say that leaving this life behind and finding eternal rest in Your Presence sounds perfect about now.  The more I learn—the more wisdom I acquire—the more futile this life is revealed to be.  Ecclesiastes makes more sense to me now than ever.  And in some ways, so does Job.

I still choose trust, in You, not in anything else.  My faith in Your Word has not diminished in the least.  You are God.  I am not.  I serve at Your pleasure.  If this is how my life is going to be from now on, then so be it.  As long as You stay with me.  Even in your silence.  Oh, I’d prefer You talk to me and tell me what to hope for, what to expect like You used to.  That is very much my preference.  But I submit to You either way. 

You never promised an easy life.  You promised to be with me.  And I count on that wholeheartedly.  Stay with me.  Sit with me in this pain.  I hope that You are pleased with it all.

Thank you for listening my King.  I sit in Your silence.  I’ll be here.  Waiting.