Cries of a Curious Follower

I have lived many lives. No, I’m not saying I believe in reincarnation, because I do not. I mean in this life–I’ve lived many.

Jobs, careers, relationships, versions of me, scales of faith, willingness to love, adaptability, etc.

I change a lot. God doesn’t. And yet, I couldn’t hope to figure Him out. I’m thankful that He lowered Himself to my level so I could have a relationship with Him.

I’m not unlike Peter, who had enough faith to get out of that boat—more faith than the rest of team Jesus at the time! I get it bro! I feel you! I was right there with you Pete.

And boy is this water cold!

My faith wasn’t too little to jump out. It just lacked the endurance to stay up. I’ve stayed longer this time, and made it further . . . but then splash.

I kid you not–the wind and waves don’t play. They’re daunting. And I’m not a very good swimmer. Sometimes drowning sounds amazing.

I want to be like Paul, who I have quoted so much, but today I relate more to Justin Furstenfeld of Blue October, who sang:

“I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest, I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like (14 miles away)

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my-
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be, be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life, believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing?)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending?
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down”

No, I’m not without faith. And no, I’m not suicidal. I have plenty of hope. I just don’t “feel” it right now. The circumstances in the form of wind and waves around me are cold, wet, and strong.

I’m reading the book of Job a lot lately. I have a new appreciation for him. As I read his “friends’” counsel to him, I can see how I’ve said those same things to people struggling.

It’s so easy to look down at those who are wet and that we’ve had to drag back into the boat.

Lord, I repent for ever thinking I understand . . . anything . . . more than I should. There are two ways to be humble: Choice and humiliation.

God remains faithful.